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Monday, August 11, 2003

In political shocker, Liberia's Pres. Taylor abdicates in favor of surprise successor!

(Compiled from international wire service reports issued by Royters, the Baghdad Broadcasting Co., and the Clinton News Network:)

Out with ex-Liberian President Charles TaylorAs rebels lay siege to Liberian capital Monrovia today, with U.S. warships hugging the West African country's coast, embattled President Charles Taylor fled into exile in Nigeria. 

"I am of course concerned for the future of my country," Taylor was quoted as saying at a surprise, impromptu press conference held on the jetway leading up to his chartered Air Nigeria jet, "which is why I have arranged for its smooth transition into the hands of a demonstrated political leader whose electoral popularity has almost rivaled my own." 

As the assembled reporters clamored for him to identify his mystery successor, however, Taylor would only smile and wave.  "You'll see soon enough," he chortled as he ducked into the jet's cabin, pulling the door behind him.

In with ex-California Governor Gray DavisMoments later, shocked correspondents from the international press were led to another chartered jet parked near the terminal building of Monrovia International Airport, from which emerged a figure familiar to at least many of the American journalists present:

"People of my new homeland, I have arrived!" announced ex-California Governor Gray Davis through the megaphone handed to him by a staffer.  "You need no longer fear power shortages, budget deficits, or any other of the troubles that have bedeviled you in the past!  Happy days are here again!"

A confidential source close to the new president revealed that frantic negotiations for the transition had begun within minutes after Austrian-born body-builder and actor Arnold Schwarzenegger had announced his candidacy in the upcoming California recall election on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last Wednesday night.  "Taylor's guys drove a hard bargain," said this individual.  "We couldn't seal the deal until we agreed to give them the Blood Alley Bomber as part of the package."

The identity of the "Blood Alley Bomber" was withheld, but he is believed to be the California Highway Patrol sergeant who led the motorcade transporting Gov. Davis from Sacramento to Los Angeles late Saturday night.  The two unmarked cars in the motorcade were clocked at 94 m.p.h. along a stretch of State Highway 46 in northern San Luis Obispo County whose posted speed limit is 55 m.p.h. in a "double fines" zone.  The convey led a Templeton, CA-based CHP officer on a merry chase, without responding to his flashing red lights, for several minutes along a five-mile, two-lane stretch of highway known as "Blood Alley" because 29 people have died there in 19 crashes over the last five years.  Actor James Dean was killed on the same stretch in 1955.

"Taylor heard about this guy," said the confidential source, "and figured a get-away driver like that was worth his weight in smuggled diamonds.  Did I say diamonds?  I mean, uh — never mind."

Posted by Beldar at 08:55 PM in Humor | Permalink


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